When did air travel become such a brain-melting minefield?

These days, even the simple act of flying from A to B leaves many travellers almost paralysed with paranoia, their heads filled with a fog of etiquette anxieties, from whether they can ask someone to swap seats to whether they should or shouldn't recline their seats and whether they should say something to the parent of the screaming baby.

I'm the MailOnline Travel Editor, and I'm here to remind you that to begin with, holidays are supposed to be fun – and to offer some simple guidance on the do's and don'ts on your flight.

And why no, I'm afraid you're not going to get upgraded because you've ironed your shirt.

What's your pet hate on planes? Vote in the poll at the bottom...

SEAT SWAPPING

These days, even the simple act of flying from A to B leaves many travellers almost paralysed with paranoia, their heads filled with a fog of etiquette anxieties

As with most social interactions in life, being polite and firm is the key.

It's perfectly fine to ask someone to swap seats if you've been split up from your nearest and dearest – just don't expect your request to be fulfilled.

You've paid for your seat and, in all likelihood, picked out this particular berth in which to enjoy some airborne wine and pretzels. No passenger has the right to remove you from it

Nuts and bolts – smile, and be calm and unconfrontational. Gently explain your reasons for wanting to swap, give the other person room to say no - and make sure that you're not brazenly expecting your fellow flyer to downgrade.

The move being negotiated should be to an equivalent seat, or better. Not, for instance, from a window to an aisle seat or, heaven forbid, from business class to economy or even premium economy.

It's also acceptable to decline a seat-swapping request.

You've paid for your seat and, in all likelihood, picked out this particular berth in which to enjoy some airborne wine and pretzels. No passenger has the right to remove you from it.

How to say no? The best ploy is to explain politely and with a smile that you've paid for your seat and don't want to move.

If the requester looks particularly desperate you could offer to talk to the cabin crew on their behalf to see if they can offer a solution.

RECLINING

Economy-class seats can cause frustrating issues for the person behind when in recline mode – it can make it hard for them to exit, eat their meals and watch the entertainment screen.

But that doesn't mean reclining is a no-no.

The recline function is there to be used. The solution? Simply turn around and ask the person behind if they mind you reclining.

And assume that it won't go down well during meal service.

NOISY BABIES AND CHILDREN - OFFER TO HELP

'Here's a thought,' says Ted, 'instead of allowing yourself to become filled with rage that other humans have had the audacity to breed, try offering some help to the parent struggling to keep the decibel levels down'

Guess what? You won't be the only one on the plane. So don't expect the atmosphere to be like a Buddhist temple. Families will be joining you and that means mini-humans will be expressing themselves in a way that may rankle.

They tend not to favour whispering.

Having said that, yes, screaming babies and children can be irritating.

But here's a thought – instead of allowing yourself to become filled with rage that other humans have had the audacity to breed, try offering some help to the parent struggling to keep the decibel levels down. Distract their children. Offer some sympathy.

You'll feel better, they'll feel less embarrassed – and believe me, they are embarrassed – and you might end up making a friend or two.

UPGRADES

'You watched a TikTok video about booking the back row and how that means you're at the front of the queue to leap forward into first class if there's a space? You've been duped,' says Ted

Those hopes for an upgrade? Let them float away on the jetstream.

Even if you wear a suit, even if you give the flight attendant a big smile, you're flying economy.

Suck it up and enjoy the pretzels.

Wait, you watched a TikTok video about booking the back row and how that means you're at the front of the queue to leap forward into first class if there's a space?

You've been duped.

Upgrades are not sweets in a jar for cabin crew to dish out with abandon. Giving one away without authority can result in disciplinary action.

The best way to snare an upgrade is to earn it, to rack up tier status points with an airline. That's because business and first-class seats are given away as treats in return for loyalty.

Does all this mean dressing smartly and being nice is a waste of time for those hoping to be given a ride at the pointy end?

Not quite.

As flight attendant Jay Robert said: 'When I worked as ground staff for a major US airline, and I was given the authority to provide a free upgrade, and I had no employees or elite passengers waiting, my pick would be elderly passengers, someone dressed nicely, or if I saw someone being a kind human in the gate area.'